Forgiveness Can Be Key To Unlocking The Healing Process

      WACO, Texas - ``Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive,'' wrote C.S. Lewis.

      Forgiving another human being - and asking for forgiveness - can feel like opening the heart and unpacking heavy weights, said Rabbi Shaina Bacharach of Congregation Agudath Jacob in Waco.

      ``When the asking is sincere and you realize you''ve made a mistake . . . there is a feeling that you''ve actually cast away a burden,'' she said. ``You can''t go back, but you can change what you''re doing now, and you''re not having to carry that burden.''

      Monday is Yom Kippur, when Jews reflect on repenting and seeking forgiveness - not only from God, but from other people as well.

      The topic of forgiveness, once reserved for pulpits or Sunday school classrooms, has made its way into the political realm and talk show circuit. From the president of the United States to the president of United Airlines, public figures have turned apologies into major public events, causing some political and religious experts to say we''re living through a ``forgiveness movement'' or a ``decade of reconciliation.''

      But for most people, a forgiveness ``scene'' isn''t orchestrated by image consultants and jammed into a 30-second sound bite. The process of unlocking the heart to forgive someone, and of asking for forgiveness, can be very difficult and can take years.

      Mariah Burton Nelson, of Arlington, Va., knows from experience. The 44-year-old author and former professional basketball player was sexually abused by a swimming coach for three summers, beginning at age 14. It took her nearly 20 years to begin to forgive the coach, and once she started, it took a year, she said. She details her own journey of forgiveness in her new book ``The Unburdened Heart - 5 Keys to Forgiveness & Freedom.''

      For almost two decades, Nelson kept relatively quiet about the incident. When she did tell people, including therapists, she framed it as an affair and partially blamed herself. She said if she hadn''t decided to forgive her former coach, the feelings she harbored probably would have poisoned her life.

      ``I had a lot of anger, especially at authority figures,'' she said. ``I had the classic symptoms of sexual abuse, especially not trusting people and not having boundaries, meaning it was very hard to say no to people. I wasn''t an alcoholic or chronically depressed or anything too dramatic, but it was taking a toll on me. I wasn''t consciously dealing with him; I was just hating him.'' The anger that Nelson felt is typical for someone who refuses to forgive, said Norm Fluet, head of the psychology department at Scott & White Clinic in Waco. And anger, he said, can have both direct and indirect effects on a person''s health.

      ``Angry people are much more at risk to have a heart attack, so learning how to forgive is critical,'' he said. ``And if you tie it into spirituality, people who have spirituality in life report higher quality of living than those who don''t. Forgiveness and grace is a central part of that.''

      Dr. Lance Oberg, a psychiatrist in private practice in Waco, said that while the decision to forgive someone is emotional, the consequences of refusing to forgive are biological. When you''re angry, he said, your body releases the same fight-or-flight hormones released in stressful situations. Reactions may include muscle tension, a change in blood flow, constriction of arteries, gnashing of teeth, bad dreams, sleepless nights and serious illnesses, such as heart disease, he said.

      Nelson''s process of forgiveness and healing began when she started researching a book about coach-athlete abuse and called her former coach for an interview. The first time he asked her to forgive him, she couldn''t. She even suffered an emotional breakdown before being able to let go of her animosity.

      Like Rabbi Bacharach, Nelson said she feels ``unburdened'' now that she has fully forgiven her former coach. She said the anger that she harbored for him had been ``like carrying an extra weight around, and it blocked my ability to love people in general.''

      Now, she said, she feels much more compassionate for people, and she more easily forgives people for everyday frustrations.

      ``I''m able to see insensitive nurses, drivers with road rage and even telemarketers as human beings, struggling just as I struggle with difficulties and frustration,'' she said. ``And I apologize more readily because I know how important it is and have gone through a process of humility.''

      Through her own experience and research, Nelson discovered what she says are five essential steps to being able to forgive someone and to feel free of anger - awareness, validation, compassion, humility and self-forgiveness.

      Awareness, she says, is remembering who hurt you and how. Validation is talking to a sympathetic listener. Compassion means striving to see the offender''s humanity, while humility means reflecting on your own faults and failings. Self-forgiveness means opening your heart and accepting yourself. Many times, people who are too critical of themselves also have trouble forgiving other people, she said.

      Of her five steps, Nelson said the most important is compassion - being able to see the offender as a ``struggling, hurting, injured human being.'' She said when she forgives someone, she tries to imagine what sad story could have led to his or her behavior.

      ``It makes it into a spiritual opportunity rather than an angry, blaming perspective,'' she said.

      Forgiveness experiences can be very different, depending on the people involved. In Nelson''s case, she had to re-establish a relationship with her coach through letters and phone calls to sort out their experiences and feelings. But sometimes it''s better for forgiveness to be an internal process, she said.

      And some people forgive more easily than others, she said. A person''s ability to forgive doesn''t necessarily depend on the gravity of the offense; it depends on how personally you take it, she said. But it might take forgiving another person a few times before the forgiveness feels complete, she said.

      In her own experience, she crossed the line between forgiving the coach and not forgiving him several times. She was scared he might use her again. She was also the target of criticism from many people, from pedophiles to feminists, she said.

      ``I think there''s a lot of support for rage in this culture, especially for sexual abuse,'' she said. ``So the person who wants to for

c. 2000 Cox News Service